I have recently been dubbed (by the RD) the "Queen of TMI" - which I must say I kind of enjoy, and my BFF, R, would surely agree with that title. So, to those of you who care, this is a TMI warning for this entry...and maybe for all future and past entries??
Anyway, as you know, I started with a new shrink last week. She was nice, but I left there a little bit pissed off. Every time I told her how I felt about sex vs. how K feels about it she told me I was wrong and he was right. Well, I beg to differ. Maybe she thinks that his ideas are utopian, and something I should reach for, but that does not make my ideas wrong. The things I know about sex are true, whether the rest of the world likes it or not. A good deal of sex is transactional, a lot of it is violent, and a lot of it is gross. Both K and this shrink think that the mere fact that he loves me should change everything about something that is no different with him than with a stranger. This makes no sense to me at all. If he beat me, the fact that he loves me wouldn't change the fact that he beat me. So why does it change the fact that he uses my body for his own sexual purposes? Why should I suddenly be flattered by that?
I asked K this weekend "what is different about how you have sex with me versus how you have sex with people you don't love?" And he really couldn't answer me. He says it is "emotional" and "sensual" and can't be explained. No, I said, I want to know what you DO that is different, not what's in your head. I want something concrete that I can hold on to and say "THIS is how I know." He says "Well, I hold you afterwards." First of all, no he doesn't. Second of all, who cares? That's like an apology, like "I know I just hurt you and used you, so here is this hug to make it all better." Well, it's too late by then, ya know? Just like someone who cries after he beats his wife. Too little, too late.
I told him that I don't see how our sex could be anymore impersonal than it is, how he could be any more vulgar or aggressive or cold with a stranger than he is with me. When I used to have sex with Andy, I knew he didn't love me because he didn't kiss me. Well, K doesn't kiss me either, he doesn't like kissing. When I had sex with people I hardly knew I kept my clothes on...even my underwear. Well, it's the same with him. So what is intimate about that? His answer: well maybe I just don't want to be in a relationship.
But, it kinda proves my point. He says he wants me to like sex, he wants me to tell him what I like. So I say: Kiss me, shut the TV off, let me take my underwear off at least. Nope. He doesn't seem to care. He doesn't want me to like sex. He wants me to like what HE likes. I don't see how that has anything to do with me or love or intimacy. It's the same old story. The only difference is that this time his ego needs to be stroked too. He needs to think that I like it. And all I feel is that I should never have told him the truth, I should have faked it from the beginning. I tried, I really did, unfortunately my own tear ducts betrayed me. And now I'm stuck. And if nobody can offer me any logical explanation, I don't see how I will ever feel any different than I feel now.
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4 comments:
thanks for the disclaimer. it's nice to know someone else who doesn't mind airing their personal details out there :-)
sorry to hear you did not like your shrink. aren't they supposed to be impartial?
i beg to differ with k. holding someone after sex does not justify loving them. my 'friend' will snuggle up to me afterwards too. that doesn't mean he loves me.
is k really that cold and unaffectionate towards you? makes my 'friend' look like a saint in that department, ha.
He is very affectionate in non-sexual situations. He likes to cuddle and have his arm around me and play with my hair. But when we are alone and he sees an opportunity to get off, he changes completely, ya know? That's why I feel like he is a different person when sex is involved. All of his sweetness is gone, he is just all about getting off...I guess he wants me to be that way too, but I can't be.
that amazes me. you would *think* that if anything, he'd become more sweet and in tune to your feelings during sex, especially since he already knows how feel towards it.
sex, in my opinion, should be give and take. not just take. both parties should be able to enjoy themselves. i'm sorry that with k, you can't (at least that's the impression i've gotten).
I love that you are TMI. Secrets are lame.
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